Jokes!
Home Page

About Me

Talk To Me

My Favorite Links

Quotes 

Random Lyrics

Jokes

Lyrics for my thoughts.

To my Friends

I am not all that funny, but I scan the internet for these jokes, injoy!

"Man/Female translations"

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a cars hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up ones self emotionally to another.
Male........Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with ones partner.
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with ones girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-statement and male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve..
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.



"Husband shopping center"

A Husband Shopping Center was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldnt go back down except to leave the place.
So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.
First floor, the door had a sign saying: These men have jobs and love kids. The women read the sign and say: Well thats better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder whats further up?
So up they go.
Second floor says: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. Hmmm, say the girls, But, I wonder whats further up?
Third floor: These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.Wow! say the women. Very tempting, BUT, theres more further up! And so again, they go up.
Fourth floor: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further
So up to the fifth floor they go.
The sign on that door said: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!!




"Resume"

How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life examples:
-> "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
-> "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
-> "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
-> "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
-> "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
-> "I am a rabid typist."
-> "Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
-> "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
-> "Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
-> "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
-> "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
-> "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
-> "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
-> "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
-> "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
-> "I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."
-> "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemail."
-> "Qualifications: No education or experience."
-> "Disposed of .5 billion in assets."
-> "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
-> "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
-> Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"




this one is somewhat odd.... I don't agree with it, but I still think it is kinda funny... I don't know yuou tell me

Here's some male talk translations:
Im a romantic = Im poor.
I want a commitment = Im tired of jerking off.
I need a real woman = My friends are starting to think Im gay
Havent I seen you before? = Nice tits!
I have something important to tell you = Get tested.
Ive been thinking a lot = Youre not as attractive as you were when I was drunk.
Ive learned a lot from you = Next!



After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the mechanics read and correct the problem.

They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.


P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.




Priscilla might like this one

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.

They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an A so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. Cool, they thought! All at the same time, each one in his separate room, thought, this is going to be easy. Each finished the lengthy problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

For 95 points: Which tire?



The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington Chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was "so profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats). One student wrote the following answer:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that: "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given.


.